Music To Read To: Hate List

I started reading this last night and couldn't stop reading until I reached the end. It wasn't suspenseful or scary but I couldn't stop reading until I wad finished. It's a wonderful story of living with the past and finding redemption. A story of moving on and accepting what cannot be changed. I related to the story in a way I didn't think I would with the plot points involving the parents especially the father. I'm not sure I can really say I loved the book considering the subject matter but you can appreciate anything that can make you think about making life better. There is one quote in the book that really stayed with me:

"The word won being the past tense of win, and we can all say at the end of the day that we've won once again, can't we? Some days making it to the end of the day is quite the victory."

In a world where things are often out of our control making it to my bed is my daily victory. I get to life another day.

I am constantly creating soundtracks for things in my life. It's a geeky thing to do but I can't help it. I'm always thinking of a song that would fit a specific situation. It always happens when I read as well. My mind will immediately think of a song based on the current plot point.

 Here are a few songs that were played while reading Hate List:

Alanis Morrissette - That I Would Be Good

 that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

Deb Talan - Comfort

If you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort wherever you can.

Evanescense - My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

So Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as she's walking on by
My soul slides away
"But don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger"
I heard you say, "at least not today" 

Emma Lee - I Could Die Tonight

Truth be told I’m still just scared as hell
that I’ll fool the world and never fool myself
Cause I know living right it isn’t in the lyin’
But I could live with tryin’
I could live with cryin’
I could live with dyin’ tonight

The Smashing Pumpkin - Disarm 

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on 

Writing a novel: Putting thoughts to page.

Every so often before I fall asleep I get a thought in my head that just won't die. My brain goes into overdrive and I end up thinking of every possible conclusion until I fall asleep. 

Last night was one of those nights. I got it in my head that I needed a plan of what I would do if Nessa passed away unexpectedly. Yes I know it's a morbid thought but I ended up mapping out multiple scenarios of what would happen. So this morning when I wake up the thought was still in my head and I decided I wanted to take the thought and turn it into something picture. Since I have no intention of killing my wife since I love her I figure the next best thing would be to turn it into a novel. I passed the thought past Nessa who told me to go for it even though it's a weird and morbid idea. She even helped me plan a few things for the concept. 

So as she was traveling to school I came up with the basic chapter outline and wrote the opening. I then proceeded email the opening to Nessa to which she replied that she most likely would not be reading any more of what I write. 

I can't say I really blame her.

Anyways I've decided to share the opening on here. I won't be posting any more of what I write but I feel like sharing this. I'm not even sure what it will end up as. I know I will write the whole thing and I know it will take a lot of time and effort. It may end up being a long short story or a short novel. Either way wish me luck and I hope you enjoy the opening!

Chapter One

Life is made up of little moments. Often we take these moments for granted and we don’t take the time to enjoy them the way we should. We miss the chance to take a picture or we fail to appreciate every breath. We assume that we will get another chance but at some point we will run out of chances.

I can’t remember our last morning together. I’m sure we ate breakfast because we always ate breakfast. I’m sure I took Boogs for a walk because that was also routine. I know it was a Wednesday because I was planning on watching Survivor when I got home. The rest is just gone. No matter how hard I try I just can’t remember if I kissed my wife goodbye.

I remember reading on Twitter how there was a major accident on the highway and that 6 people were dead. It never occurred to me that (name) would be one of the deaths. We talked about the accident at work in between helping annoying customers worried about receiving double texts when they have unlimited messaging. A few hours later I was taken to the hospital where a doctor tried to explain that (name) was in a coma and the chances of her waking up were slim. Apparently she was on life support and the chances of her recovering were not likely. He kept talking but looking at her hooked up to so many machines made it easy to tune him out. At that point I knew she had five days to wake up or I would have to make the decision to unplug the machines.

I had not been able to see Boogs. They told me that he had passed away quickly and that it was nothing that could be done for him. I was too shunned to cry but as family and friends came tears flowed. The doctor explained the situation many times over the first few days because I didn’t care about what he had to say. I didn’t need it explained to me.

I had promised that she would be on life support for five days at the most. It was a promise I made never thinking I would need to actually make the decision but I knew I had to keep it. I loved her that much that I couldn’t break this promise. I sat by her bed the entire time. I slept in the most uncomfortable care but that was ok because I barely slept. I didn’t want to miss another breath or the chance that a miracle would happen and she would open her eyes. 

She never did and after exactly five days I had them turn off the machines.

Can someone still get away with murder?

On February 26th Trayvon Martin was shot by Community Watch Leader George Zimmerman. This happened in Florida in a community I've never heard of but for some reason the story haunts me. 

I listened to some of the 911 tapes of the incident and couldn't finish them. What I heard was tragic. It was even more tragic when considering that Zimmerman stands a good chance of not being arrested for the death of a 17 year old boy. A boy who was not armed. In fact all he was carrying was a bag of skittles and a can of iced tea. 

The first 911 tape shows Zimmerman advising police that he saw a suspicious black man in a hoodie. I know that hoodies may seem suspicious but the fact that it was raining should have relieved some of the suspicion. The 911 respondant clearly advises Zimmerman not to follow the "suspect" and police where on there way to the community. Within 20 minutes of that call Trayvon was dead and Zimmerman was claiming self defense and potential getting away with murder.Other tapes you can hear someone calling for help in the background and then a gun shot. The screams for help end once the shot is heard.

The obvious conclusion is that it is based on race. The tapes show Zimmerman's anger towards black males getting away with crimes. It seems like he simply decided to take justice into his own hands. I can't make the jump that it was an act of a racist. I am not convinced his actions were based on racism but I am also not convinced self defense holds up.

Witnesses say they heard to two fighting. A 13 year old boy walking his dog saw an altercation but his dog got away and he ran after him when he heard the gunshot. Witnesses say they heard the boy cry for help while Zimmerman claims he was the one crying for help and no one would come. 

Zimmerman did have wounds. He had blood on the back of his head. Maybe there was an altercation. Maybe Trayvon fought back against someone he thought was threatening him. I do not have the facts and there are only two people that know exactly what happens and sadly one of them is dead. Now only Zimmerman knows how the altercation started.

What bothers me is that it is such a pointless death. It never should have happened. Zimmerman should have never gotten out of his truck. He should not have been carrying a gun. He should not have confronted Trayvon. He should have waited until the police arrived and let them handle it. 

Zimmerman made the wrong choices that night and for those choices a 17 year old boy who was unarmed is dead. A boy who was visiting friends and just wanted to go get a snack at 7pm at night. 

It may have felt like self defense to Zimmerman but he didn't need to pull the trigger. Simply pulling out the gun most likely would have calmed the boy.The fact that Zimmerman approached Trayvon is where this starts. Trayvon may have been acting in self defense if he felt Zimmerman was dangerous. That should be enough for an arrest. Let the case go to trial. Let all the facts be known. Let Zimmerman sit on the stand and have him tell his story. Let a judge and jury decide if it is murder or simply a case of a man defending himself.

This won't change anything. I just needed to write my feelings on this senseless death that didn't need to happen. Trayvon Martin deserves his story to be heard. He deserves some sort of justice because if Zimmerman simply walks then Trayvon is made to look like a criminal who deserved to be killed. That just does not sit well with me.

For My Family and Friends

I just finished reading a book that made me realize the power of friendship. I know that sounds lame and almost childish but it's true. Like "The Fox and The Hound" and "Stand by Me" some things just make you consider your life in general and where friends fit in.

Reading this book made me realize how much I've lost touch with so many friends. We live in a strange world where it's so easy to let time pass you by. We make do with a quick text or email to catch up instead of finding the time to make a call. Even worse we learn things about friends by reading their Facebook status and offer our friendly advise or congratulations or condolences by commenting on the status. We write happy birthday on their wall rather then sending them a nice birthday card. 

For some of us the really important things stay hidden. We keep them within us because we know that only weird people post their whole lives on Facebook for the whole world to see. There are some things that shouldn't be shared with the whole world. Those things should be shared with real friends. 

But we fail to share the real things in this technological age. We often go it alone and just hope we can survive on our own. Or you don't want to trouble others with our issues. We know they have their own issues that they keep to themselves. And instead of making that call to catch up with an old friend we simply comment on their wall. 

I know this doesn't happen to all friends. I know some people take the time to make that call regularly. Take the time to hear the other person's voice or see their face. It makes me happy that those people exist in this crazy world.

This post is more about me. I haven't done those things. I'd rather keep my problems to myself. Not that there is anything wrong but when there is I've always been good at figuring it out on my own for the most part. But it would still be nice to really catch up with old friends.

Technology has made it easy to drop the quick note and then just wait for the other person to reply. And if they take a while to reply your life just goes on. There was one passage from the book that really got me.

"You get older and you learn there is one sentence, just four words long, and if you say it to yourself it offers more comfort then almost any other. It goes like this ... Ready?

Ready

At least I tried"

I may not be able to force friends to stay in contact but I can try. I can try to be a better friend. I can try to be a better son and a better brother. 

It may not make a difference but I can look in the mirror and know I made the effort.

At least I Tried.

Things that bother me #4

As the whole world knows Amy Winehouse passed away the other day. And while I unfortunately cannot say I was shocked it is still tragic and sad. She was a very talented singer and songwriter who couldn't escape her demons like so many other celebrities. Regardless of how it is determined she died it doesn't change that fact that she was troubled and no one was able to save her.

What really bothers me is how sales of an artist spike after they have died. I will never understand why people who don't already own the album run out to buy or download the music. I can understand the spike in radio play but if you didn't listen to them when they were alive why change you're opinion of them when they pass away. 

If they are doing it to remember someone there are better ways. Donate to a charity in their name. In the case of Amy Winehouse why not help fund a rehab center or volunteer at a youth center to help keep kids away from the dangers of drugs and alcohol. 

There's so many other ways to try to honor someone instead of buying music you would never buy if she was still alive. Music that you'll forget about in a month when they next tragic story hits.

It's a shame she passed away. I wish someone could have found a way to save her. But there are still so many other people in the world that need our help. I just wish people would spend their money more wisely.