Music Monday: Our Lady Peace - 4 AM

 

Walked around my good intentions
And found out there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
Never thought I would forget this hate
And a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

 

Recently I've been thinking about my father. It's not that he reached out to me or my family. I just found out that some of my family on his side had tagged him in pictures of my sister's wedding. My sister was right to be angry. His side of the family has pretty much disowned my family since he left us. 

By all accounts I should hate the man. He wasn't there for the best moments of my life. He missed it when I married the love of my life. He wasn't there when I needed a role model growing up. He wasn't there when I succeeded in High School and University. I've had a good life without him but I still always wished I had a dad. Someone I could confide in when I needed advice. My mom did the best she could and I love her for everything she has done for me but it wasn't same. 

So I now find myself wondering what I would do if he tried to talk to me. Because I don't hate him. I don't have in me to truly hate someone. I also am a very forgiving person but can you truly forgive someone if you don't want them in your life.

I have realized that I hold no resentment towards him. He made poor choices but I survived and I am still surviving without him. I can make the choice to let it go. To not be angry with him. To hope that he is happy with the life he has led. It does me nothing to be angry with him. As people like to say, "Life goes on." But it doesn't mean I want him in my families or my life. We survived the past twenty years without him and we'll keep on living without him.

Sometimes you need to forgive to let go. I hope my family can forgive and just let him go. I have and it makes me feel better. It's not a perfect scenario but you have to play with the cards you were dealt. I've played my cards and now I'm moving on in peace.